Lesson 3 - Communicate - Look to the Star

Comparison of Role Concepts Inventory

For each of these examples, would you answer true, false, or depends?

To say “nothing” when asked if there is something wrong by your mate is better than starting an argument.
“Fighting” is always wrong between mates.
If a husband and wife have an impasse on a major decision, the husband should take the responsibility for the decision and make it according to his thinking.
To argue is human; therefore, arguing is part of marriage.
A man should have one night out with the boys each week.
Leisure time & recreation should be spent together.
A woman should conform to her husband’s preference of hair length, dress style, etc.
A wife’s earnings are her personal funds.
The husband should plan the budget and manage the money.
Couples should not consult each other before going shopping.
A joint checking account is the best way to handle the money.
If the husband (wife) earns the major portion of the family income, he (she) should be freer to spend money on sports, cars, clothes, jewelry, etc.
Since the wife is a responder, only the husband should initiate lovemaking.
Using sex as a bargaining tool is sometimes necessary when a mate doesn’t respond to requests.
Strict discipline will produce well-behaved and well-developed children.
Strict discipline is always an act of love.
Since a wife has more time with the children, she has a greater responsibility for them.
Children can play a part in family decision-making as they grow up.
Sometimes a wife must use her children as leverage to move her husband.
The Bible teaches that a wife must always obey her husband.
It is the husband’s role to determine the responsibilities of each mate.
The father should be the disciplinarian.
It is the wife’s responsibility to have the house neat and clean at all times.
A wife should not work outside the home.
When a wife has been blessed with a special talent, she should have a career to utilize it.
The Bible teaches that men are responsible for their jobs and women are responsible for home and children.
Husbands should baby sit so that wives can go out with their friends.
If the husband fails to take leadership, a wife must take over.
A woman can mold her husband the way she wants him after they are married.
The authority given to men in the home by God makes him the “general” and his wife must take orders.

COMMUNICATION

FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES

Communication is more than talking at one another or getting ideas, it is cooperating. To communicate you need a commitment- “This is going to work no matter what.”

God’s guidance and direction for communicating

Ephesians 4:25-27, 29-32

25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.

29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Items Needed for Good Communication

Honesty

Openness

Removal of Anger and Bitterness

A Forgiving Spirit

Some Illustrations from Scripture-

Proverbs 18:13 He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.

James 1:19 …Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,

Be a Good Listener

John 4:4-9,27 4 Now he had to go through Samaria. 5 So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. 6 Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about the sixth hour.

7 When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?” 8 (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)

9 The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.)

27 Just then his disciples returned and were surprised to find him talking with a woman. But no one asked, “What do you want?” or “Why are you talking with her?”

Accept the Other Person as Someone Who Is Worth Listening To

Matthew 13:10 The disciples came to him and asked, “Why do you speak to the people in parables?”

Luke 8:9 His disciples asked him what this parable meant.

Ask Questions So That You Understand What the Other Person Is Saying.

Proverbs 17:14 Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.

Don’t Get Involved in Quarrels. You Can Disagree Without Quarreling. Don’t Insist on Having the Last Word.

James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

Colossians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Be Kind and Forgiving Toward One Another.

Romans 14:13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another…

1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Don’t Blame or Criticize One Another, But Build Each Other Up.

Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Don’t Nag at Each Other.

PRINCIPLES OF COMMUNICATION IN PROBLEM SOLVING

Every married couple encounters disagreements and conflicts. The difference between those who make their marriage work and those who don’t is how they handle their problems. There are certain communication principles that apply as husband and wife work together to solve the problems that they face.

HONESTY—No cold-shoulder. “What’s wrong, honey?” “Nothing!” How does that help the situation?
GUNNYSACKING—Stay with what is current. There is a temptation to bring out things that are not current. “What about what you did last month?” That is not relevant to the present situation. Deal with what is on the table now. Then ask yourself, “Is this issue really important? Am I really that upset about it? Or am I making an issue out of this because of something else that is bothering me?” For example, you come home after a hard day at work and you find your son’s bicycle in the driveway. You have to get out of the car and move it, before you can drive the car into the garage. You blow up at your son for leaving his bicycle in the driveway. Are you really that upset about the bicycle, or is it because you had a bad day at work?
BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF—Am I willing to admit that I could be wrong? That may be difficult, when I am always right. Is my mind made up that it is my partner’s fault before our first words together? Then I cannot really communicate.
ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT THE PERSON—Do not use a phrase or word that you know will hurt your spouse. (i.e. “You are just like your mother.” “Boy, are you getting bald.”) Agree on a time for discussion. Sit down and talk about the things that hurt, and then put them off limits. Set a time for discussion of a problem. Pray for God’s help. Define what the problem is. Discuss what you feel. Listen to the other person. Seek and discuss solutions. Ask for the help of the other person in bringing about the solutions. Pray for one another.
NO DRAMATICS—Husband slams the door and rushes out of the house. Wife runs into the bedroom and throws herself on the bed sobbing. How does this help the situation with the wife or husband? How about the kids?
NO EXAGGERATION—Wife says, “You are always late for dinner.” The husband complains, “You never want to make love when I want to.”
OFFER SOLUTIONS—Don’t dwell on the problem, but offer solutions. Once you know what the problem is, then suggest and try various ways to solve the problem.
CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS—If you will not control your anger, you cannot solve your problems. You have more control over your anger than you may be willing to admit. (For example, you are having an argument with your spouse and are busy shouting; the phone rings and you calmly pick up the phone and sweetly say, “Hello.” The person on the other end would never guess that you had just been screaming and carrying on. Your angry tone has changed.) Do not let your emotions carry you away, or you will not be able to solve your problems.
BODY LANGUAGE—Remember that actions speak as loud or louder than words. Look at the other person when you are speaking to them and listening to them. Watch your facial expressions. Loving touches, hugs and body contact are important.

For thought and discussion

You have a bad day at work. You come home, the children are noisy, your wife wants to talk with you and you don’t feel like talking with anyone. What do you do?
Your spouse has some personal habits that irritate you. Every time you have a disagreement, you bring up these habits which irk you. What should you do?
Your spouse won’t talk to you. Every time you try to talk it ends in a fight. However, there is someone of the opposite sex with whom you feel very comfortable talking and sharing your feelings. What should you do?
As a couple, you have a hard time making decisions when both of you do not agree. What can you do?
You are afraid to talk to your spouse because frequently when you bring up a touchy subject, there are outbursts of anger, shouting, screaming and violence; or complete silence and a refusal to talk. What can both of you do?
Whenever you have a discussion, there seems to be a great deal of misunderstanding and hurt feelings. What can you do about it?
What do you do about little habits and mannerisms that your spouse has which annoy you?
Do you get jealous? How do you deal with your jealousy?
What problems might a couple have early in marriage?
If you have problems in your marriage, when do you go to see the pastor?